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Posts Tagged ‘Struggle’

We did it! We are officially in Kentucky. In a few short days we will have moved into our new home completely. In two weeks I will be moving out of that same home to live on campus and hopefully we live happily ever after. But before this sounds too easy, let me give you a little piece of the in between stuff.

Let me start with saying packing is not easy and neither is moving 800 miles away. So let me share with you some of the things I’ve learned this time around:

1. Don’t bring your favorite blanket on the trip, only to have your cat poop on it, in the car, on the way…

2. Keep a good eye on your underwear because you might end up getting to your destination unsure of where all but 4 pairs have ended up…

3. Pray for patience. I don’t know how many times I’ve said, “I’m about to slap somebody,” this week. (Not something I’m proud of.) For those wondering, I haven’t slapped anyone..yet.

4. Kentucky Fried Chicken doesn’t taste better in Kentucky. This was a let down. I just miss wawa.

5. I have to remember that New Jersey is the state I USE to live in not the one I currently live in. Still working on this one in my head.. So no one ask me where I’m from for now!

Now for what’s really on my heart (if you haven’t had enough honesty from me today).

I miss my friends. I miss someone I really care about. I miss my old house. I miss my church and my pastors. I miss wawa and jug handles. I miss the beach. I miss crazy adventures with my best friends. I miss consistency and familiarity. I miss it all. I never thought these words would come out of my mouth in relation to Jersey.

Here’s a recent entry from my journal:

Dear Lord,

I feel so upset. I feel like I’m just now beginning to doubt your plan. You knew I would though; you knew I would come to this place of doubt. You knew how you would be there for me through it to. I know you will be there for me. I know I can’t ask you to make this easier for me. This wasn’t meant to be easy. I only ask that, Lord, you be ever so near to me. That I boldly and without fear walk by faith. I am yours. For who alone can save me? I love you. Draw near to me. Slow down this dance that I may find my place again.

Sincerely,
Liberty

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I sit here and type this thinking, I have no motivation whatsoever. No motivation to attack my to do list, none to take a shower or to even write this post. I am at a time in my life when I feel as though I have no purpose. Have you ever been here? I’m not taking summer classes, neither am I working at all. I’m just preparing. In preparation for things to come. Don’t get me wrong, I have a massive to do list that encompasses everything from applying for on-campus housing to packing my room up in boxes, but not even these things sound the least bit interesting. So I sit here. No motivation. No purpose. What’s the point of life right now? I’m one of those people who needs a purpose. I refuse to strive for the laziest person award. (But that does not mean I don’t have my lazy moments.) I just need a passion. A routine. Some consistency. I need to feel useful. Life is not giving me any of these things right now. Not even the lemons. So what can I do when I get to this point? Give up, throw the towel in? Or wait patiently for this to pass? I’m certaintly on the fence with this one. But I’m learning more and more that my life is not defined by where I work or what classes I’m taking. If I’m looking for a passion in this world, I’m going to be looking for a long time because each one will eventually fade away. The only thing I can have faith in, is that God is good. Simply that. That He has good for me and what I have now is good. Now, I’m not quite getting to where I need to be and I know this won’t happen overnight. But I am learning to take one day at a time, because looking at the big picture, just isn’t helpful right now. All I can do is pray and go buy some lemons.

He’s ALWAYS Enough,
Liberty

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Pretty is. Beauty does. I heard this on a commercial recently and began to think about this. I mean, what could it possibly mean? Every girl wants to be pretty. We want to feel pretty and be told we are. But what about this thing called beauty? What could that be about? I hate to break it to some of you, but its not just about a girl who loves to read and ends up in a mansion with a harry beast, its much, much more! Lucky for us, we are to be called beauty too.

Recently, I was having lunch with some friends and we were talking about relationships. I confessed that I struggled with my definition of beauty. I feel as though I don’t have anything to bring to the table of marriage. I mean, what will I be able to offer my husband one day? I can’t really cook, neither do I care to honestly. I’m not very intellectual. I can’t talk on various subjects and don’t have profound knowledge on very much. I don’t always please everyone. I don’t always wear the right thing or show up at the right time. I certainly never say the right thing or respond the right way. So what could possibly be beautiful about me? Seriously. As my confession came to a close, I expressed what I am passionate about; however cliche it may be. Its the truth. I love people. I love holding orphans in Africa. I love loving people. I love caring for and helping people. I love being there for people. I love my family. There is nothing I love more than holding babies, any babies! But that’s all I have going for me and that’s my heart. My friends began to laugh as they looked at me puzzled. They obviously knew something I didn’t.

You see, I was looking at my strength as a weakness. I was forgetting the fact that I have loved. This then reminded us of what 1 Corinthians 13 says: “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains but have not love, I am nothing. If I gave away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.”

I realized the Bible says something quite differently about the beauty I possess. My friends also helped me realize that the very essence of my beauty is incredible. In fact, these verses greatly encourage what my heart longs for. The beauty the world asks of me is meaningless, its beauty that chases after the wind. What I gained from all of this? Who gives a rats rear that I can’t tell time backwards, recite the constitution or make French cuisine. According to Corinthians, if I have not loved, I am nothing. As a matter of fact, I’m not content with being nothing. I would rather love while I can. And that my dear reader, is my beauty. So whether my hair looks a hot mess tomorrow, my clothes don’t match or I don’t end up eating that great of a breakfast due to my lack of skill; I know that beauty is defined differently for each of us, because its defined by beauty itself.

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Some think that happiness has lots to do with money. Still others think it has to do with their significant other wrapped around their finger. For me, happiness is deciding I am going to be happy anyway. A good friend recently told me that the only person who keeps me from being happy, is myself. I didn’t exactly want to hear that at the time but they were words I will never forget. I think about happiness a lot because of my depressive episodes. When I have one of my bad days, sometimes I will sit and think about what it felt like to be happy before. I’ll think about whether I could become happy if I was given something, went somewhere else or was with someone I wanted to be with. But in the end, each of those things I know, have the ability to leave me desperate for something else -something more. In a world where we have TV, magazines, books and people telling you to eat chocolate, drink wine or go after that man you have been waiting for; we forget that those things don’t bring us very much happiness for long. We look around and see the objects that make others happy and we wonder why we can’t feel that way too.

As I prepare to move with my family nine hours away at the end of the summer; I can’t help, but be far from happy. I’m loosing my friends, my church, my job, everything that I have known for four years now. I ask myself, how could I be happy? I mean seriously, I’m about to be stripped of the very things I love. Tell me how to find joy in that and I would appreciate it. Why should I be happy, after all things aren’t going my way right now. Sometimes I feel like telling people to get back to me with that happiness crap, when they’re going through the same thing I am. Then just as my moment of despair gets close to breaking me. I remember the person who chose to be happy for me. I think about how he lived for 33 years. He knew he would die, it was the whole reason why he was born. Yet, for 33 years he didn’t act like he was going to die. He chose happiness. Because he knew there is something so much more than this life. He didn’t walk around with the illness that afflicted him. That illness was my sin. So why should I live as if I carry it now, when he’s already done it for me.

So, what is happiness for me, you might ask? Its choosing to fight even when I feel like I have nothing left. Its choosing to love when I don’t feel loved back. Its choosing to smile when the pain tries to stop me. Its choosing to live as if I knew I would died tomorrow and die, as if I’d live forever. Its choosing Christ’s way, rather than my own way.

He’s Always Enough,
Liberty

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An excerpt from my journal in third person. Warning: This is not one of my most pleasant posts nor positive in its attitude. But i wanted to share my struggle with depression.

She wakes up at 6:45am, worried she didn’t get enough sleep. She tossed and turned most of the night and when you add it up. She usually gets six hours of sleep. Not nearly enough she thinks to herself. She rushes in and out of the shower, worrying she’ll be late for class. She doesn’t feel like going anywhere. The more time she’s in the shower the more time she thinks about all the ways today could go horribly wrong. She tries to fix her hair for the day, but she feels as though it looks hideous no matter what and, in the end, pins it up with 50 bobby pins or covers it up with a hat. She gets in the car worried there won’t be enough gas to get to class. Mostly because she’s down to her last $15 and her paycheck doesn’t come till next week. She wouldn’t have enough time to stop for gas anyway because now she’s running 10 minutes late. Nothing ever seems to go right for her. She happens to glance at the left side tire and sees its almost flat again. She doesn’t have enough time to drive down to the gas station three minutes out of the way to fill it with air. Consequently, she’s also out of quarters to fund the 75 cents required. So she drives to class, with an almost flat tire. In a panicky mood about all of the above and what could possibly come next. She knows something bad will happen on the way, nothing ever goes right. This makes her sad, uncontrollably upset and depressed. The fact that there’s nothing she can do. Whether the tire blows or someone yells at her. She feels on the cliff of emotions, something will have broken her to bits by noon. She gets to class with an eager desire to leave again. She almost does, but convinces herself otherwise. Finding a seat is a nightmare and makes her feel so self-conscious. The lecture begins with the same boring lesson we learned last class and continues to carry on for an hour. She fidgets her fingers anxiously. The sign in sheet is passed around the room for students to be counted for attendance. She signs in but sees that as the sheet comes up the row on the other side of the room, it is not passed to everyone and some don’t see it. This makes her feel angry and annoyed. She wonders how people are so stupid they can’t even pass a piece a paper around a room properly. The thought consumes her mind for the rest of the class and how much it irritates her. Class comes to an end and all she can think about is how much she would like to go back to bed. She goes home. She eats a snack, but only if her stomach isn’t completely tied in knots like it typically is. She sleeps for an hour, because she has no energy to do anything else. She wakes and changes for work. She use to put on makeup but gave up because she didn’t feel like it made her feel any better about herself. She tries to look happy so no one figures it out at work. She knows she has to work a faking it all the time, but at work its much easier considering no one really knows her. Fake it till you make it has become her unconscious life motto. No one notices she isn’t laughing or telling jokes like she usually does. Work can be slightly stressful sometimes for her, but she always reminds herself its only three hours every week day. Besides, she may not feel herself. But at least she’s making a difference in the kid’s lives, right? Work is over, she drags her feet to her car exhausted from all she put into those three hours. She turns on the radio to drown out the sound of her own cry. Simply because its usually a reaction she does when she’s alone. She doesn’t know why, she just knows its a cause for the pain she feels. She’s lonely, but that’s not the reason for her tears. She’s been holding it all in, waiting for the moment when she can just let go of herself and not hide it for just a little while. She doesn’t think about killing herself often. But she thinks about dying a lot. What if this? What if that? Often these questions come to her mind in relation to death. She worries on the way home. She never did get gas earlier. She never did put air in the tire. She never found any quarters. She can’t make a decision about whether to stop either. She can’t make decisions at all nowadays. Its too much to handle for her most of the time. Even the smallest decisions feel like a burden for her. She gets a headache several times a day from all the thinking she does. Sometimes she’ll pop an advil or an aleve every so often that way she can prevent them from happening. She worries if she might be abusing them though. The aleve helps with the headaches, but it doesn’t stop everything else that’s hurting. The questions, the decisions, the lies, the mess, the future, it all makes her hurt. She feels like she’s carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. Sometimes at night, she sits and prays someone will save her from the pain. She knows she can’t make it stop on her own. It gets so bad every now and then she thinks about taking something sharp to her arm. She hasn’t done that in while. She keeps telling herself she won’t. But each time she thinks of it, she feels as though she gets closer and closer to doing it. She cancels plans with friends. They can’t see her not put together. They can’t know what she’s going through. No one understands. No one cares, they have their own problems to deal with. She feels like she’s had to hide enough today, and doesn’t feel like she could keep herself together for even an hour. She fears she might loose it in front of someone one day. Even though she’s not sure what loosing it would look like. She goes to bed, terrified of the challenges tomorrow has already burdened her with.

Why does she keep this hidden? For fear that people will know she’s really messed up. That she is in a million pieces most of the time. Don’t get her wrong, she has good days often. So, don’t pity her, she’ll make it in the end. Feel free to ask questions.

He’s Always Enough,
Liberty Stripped of her Pride

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Dear Lord,

This sucks. I hate it all. Everything. Nothing seems to be going right. My whole world is falling a part. Where are you? Its so dark, I don’t know where to begin to look for you. Why are you allowing this to go on? Why must I suffer? It all changes with a blink of an eye, and you expect me to be okay with it? You expect me to go with the flow. To lean on you. To accept the change. You call me not to rely on my own strength. To believe that I am more than a conqueror through Him who first loved me? I don’t know if I can do that. I don’t know if I will make it. I’m not sure I have as much confidence in myself as you do. Everything is going wrong. My life is turning upside down. I’m angry. I’m broken. I’m confused. Yet, you say you will carry me through this. Yet, you say I don’t have to be weary. You tell me to not let go. You ask that I trust you and walk in faith. But is my faith big enough? Are you enough? Because I thought all of the things around me were enough. Now, those same things are deserting me. They’re changing. Unlike you. You never change. You never leave. You never forsake me. You don’t stop loving me. You never give up on me. You don’t reject me. You don’t say hurtful things to me. You don’t let me down. You want me to hold on. You want to love me. You want me to believe from the bottom of my heart that you are enough. You are on my side. You hold me when no one else will. You comfort me when no one else can. You give me the peace I can’t get anywhere else. You encourage me. You free my soul. You have saved me. You believe in me. You love me. You will never stop loving me. You are enough. You are all that I have. All that I have is enough. I can live with that. As long as you can live with me. I have no joy a part from you.

You are always enough,
Liberty Stripped of her Pride

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