When Life’s Not Giving You Purpose (or Lemons)

I sit here and type this thinking, I have no motivation whatsoever. No motivation to attack my to do list, none to take a shower or to even write this post. I am at a time in my life when I feel as though I have no purpose. Have you ever been here? I’m not taking summer classes, neither am I working at all. I’m just preparing. In preparation for things to come. Don’t get me wrong, I have a massive to do list that encompasses everything from applying for on-campus housing to packing my room up in boxes, but not even these things sound the least bit interesting. So I sit here. No motivation. No purpose. What’s the point of life right now? I’m one of those people who needs a purpose. I refuse to strive for the laziest person award. (But that does not mean I don’t have my lazy moments.) I just need a passion. A routine. Some consistency. I need to feel useful. Life is not giving me any of these things right now. Not even the lemons. So what can I do when I get to this point? Give up, throw the towel in? Or wait patiently for this to pass? I’m certaintly on the fence with this one. But I’m learning more and more that my life is not defined by where I work or what classes I’m taking. If I’m looking for a passion in this world, I’m going to be looking for a long time because each one will eventually fade away. The only thing I can have faith in, is that God is good. Simply that. That He has good for me and what I have now is good. Now, I’m not quite getting to where I need to be and I know this won’t happen overnight. But I am learning to take one day at a time, because looking at the big picture, just isn’t helpful right now. All I can do is pray and go buy some lemons.

He’s ALWAYS Enough,
Liberty

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Pretty is. Beauty does.

Pretty is. Beauty does. I heard this on a commercial recently and began to think about this. I mean, what could it possibly mean? Every girl wants to be pretty. We want to feel pretty and be told we are. But what about this thing called beauty? What could that be about? I hate to break it to some of you, but its not just about a girl who loves to read and ends up in a mansion with a harry beast, its much, much more! Lucky for us, we are to be called beauty too.

Recently, I was having lunch with some friends and we were talking about relationships. I confessed that I struggled with my definition of beauty. I feel as though I don’t have anything to bring to the table of marriage. I mean, what will I be able to offer my husband one day? I can’t really cook, neither do I care to honestly. I’m not very intellectual. I can’t talk on various subjects and don’t have profound knowledge on very much. I don’t always please everyone. I don’t always wear the right thing or show up at the right time. I certainly never say the right thing or respond the right way. So what could possibly be beautiful about me? Seriously. As my confession came to a close, I expressed what I am passionate about; however cliche it may be. Its the truth. I love people. I love holding orphans in Africa. I love loving people. I love caring for and helping people. I love being there for people. I love my family. There is nothing I love more than holding babies, any babies! But that’s all I have going for me and that’s my heart. My friends began to laugh as they looked at me puzzled. They obviously knew something I didn’t.

You see, I was looking at my strength as a weakness. I was forgetting the fact that I have loved. This then reminded us of what 1 Corinthians 13 says: “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains but have not love, I am nothing. If I gave away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.”

I realized the Bible says something quite differently about the beauty I possess. My friends also helped me realize that the very essence of my beauty is incredible. In fact, these verses greatly encourage what my heart longs for. The beauty the world asks of me is meaningless, its beauty that chases after the wind. What I gained from all of this? Who gives a rats rear that I can’t tell time backwards, recite the constitution or make French cuisine. According to Corinthians, if I have not loved, I am nothing. As a matter of fact, I’m not content with being nothing. I would rather love while I can. And that my dear reader, is my beauty. So whether my hair looks a hot mess tomorrow, my clothes don’t match or I don’t end up eating that great of a breakfast due to my lack of skill; I know that beauty is defined differently for each of us, because its defined by beauty itself.

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My Pursuit of Happiness

Some think that happiness has lots to do with money. Still others think it has to do with their significant other wrapped around their finger. For me, happiness is deciding I am going to be happy anyway. A good friend recently told me that the only person who keeps me from being happy, is myself. I didn’t exactly want to hear that at the time but they were words I will never forget. I think about happiness a lot because of my depressive episodes. When I have one of my bad days, sometimes I will sit and think about what it felt like to be happy before. I’ll think about whether I could become happy if I was given something, went somewhere else or was with someone I wanted to be with. But in the end, each of those things I know, have the ability to leave me desperate for something else -something more. In a world where we have TV, magazines, books and people telling you to eat chocolate, drink wine or go after that man you have been waiting for; we forget that those things don’t bring us very much happiness for long. We look around and see the objects that make others happy and we wonder why we can’t feel that way too.

As I prepare to move with my family nine hours away at the end of the summer; I can’t help, but be far from happy. I’m loosing my friends, my church, my job, everything that I have known for four years now. I ask myself, how could I be happy? I mean seriously, I’m about to be stripped of the very things I love. Tell me how to find joy in that and I would appreciate it. Why should I be happy, after all things aren’t going my way right now. Sometimes I feel like telling people to get back to me with that happiness crap, when they’re going through the same thing I am. Then just as my moment of despair gets close to breaking me. I remember the person who chose to be happy for me. I think about how he lived for 33 years. He knew he would die, it was the whole reason why he was born. Yet, for 33 years he didn’t act like he was going to die. He chose happiness. Because he knew there is something so much more than this life. He didn’t walk around with the illness that afflicted him. That illness was my sin. So why should I live as if I carry it now, when he’s already done it for me.

So, what is happiness for me, you might ask? Its choosing to fight even when I feel like I have nothing left. Its choosing to love when I don’t feel loved back. Its choosing to smile when the pain tries to stop me. Its choosing to live as if I knew I would died tomorrow and die, as if I’d live forever. Its choosing Christ’s way, rather than my own way.

He’s Always Enough,
Liberty

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Crooked Eclipse (A Poem by Liberty)

Why would life,
Feel so lost at this moment.
Buried beneath you,
Hidden in your eyes.
To be claimed by no one.

Why would you keep it,
Hidden from even me.
When all I hope for;
Is to hold on to it,
Forever, never letting go. 

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My Concussion and other unrelated topics…

So about 3 weeks ago, I was at work. Minding my own business. Well, somewhat. We were outside attempting to entertain the little ones (middle school students) for a few short minutes before the program was over for the day. Leading a type of hand game, I suddenly heard various individuals around me yell, “Watch out!” Without the slightest knowledge of what was to come next, I was hit from behind with a football. I wasn’t knocked down, it simply made me stumble. Other than that it didn’t really affect me all that much. I couldn’t tell you much about what happened after I was hit. I remember two students talking to me about it while I responded, but I have no idea what they were saying or what I said back. We soon after went inside and that was when it began. I felt nauseous, dizzy and a horrible headache made its way to the back of my head. I ignored the pain but wondered if I could have suffered a concussion. I’m one of those people who searches my symptoms on webmd as soon as they appear and that’s exactly what I did. Despite my ill symptoms I drove home moments later hoping that I would feel better. However, I was wrong, the pain only got worse. That night it was so bad I couldn’t lift my head up. The next two days it was difficult to walk. I stayed in bed all weekend and went MIA to the world. By Monday I was feeling a little better. I was able to go to class but took the day off from work. The next day I returned to my usual schedule being busy as any ordinary day. I would take Aleve and simply ignore the pain. Life is too busy to get caught up in such a thing, at least that is how I felt about. I finally went to see a doctor almost a week later. The doctor told me what webmd already had, it was in fact, a concussion that I suffered and I should feel better in a week or so.

Now, this is the way I saw it. Life is busy for me right now. Between class, homework assignments, work, friends, church and the prospects of moving at the end of the summer. I am one busy woman. I enjoy being busy, there is nothing I hate more than sitting at home doing nothing. The less time I have to think about stuff like myself the better. Or so I thought.. This kind of thinking can backfire on you. You see, I think too little of myself, that’s why I ignored the pain and moved on. I didn’t want to see a doctor and if my pain would not have been so bad, I would have never went to one anyway. But time and time again, the Lord uses these times to sit me down and teach me very important lessons. I realized that I needed my life to slow down a little. That I am spending a tremendous amount of time on things that will whither away. I came to the realization that my life really is a vapor and that everyday I live because of the Lord. I learned all of this mostly because of the of fact that you can die from a concussion. Now, obviously, I was not hit very hard with the football. But it was still the worse injury I have ever been inflicted with. With this being said, I am recovering well. I feel almost myself again and am so ready to take on life headfirst. No more catching footballs with my head though. I am dying to go to Africa and hold some orphaned babies. To watch God work in my family. To see my best friend pursue her dream of writing. To see another best friend pursue teaching english as a second language. To meet the man of my dreams. To grow more into a Lady of Faith. More to come soon.

He’s Always Enough,
Liberty Stripped of her Pride

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The Prayer of a Broken Heart

Dear Lord,

This sucks. I hate it all. Everything. Nothing seems to be going right. My whole world is falling a part. Where are you? Its so dark, I don’t know where to begin to look for you. Why are you allowing this to go on? Why must I suffer? It all changes with a blink of an eye, and you expect me to be okay with it? You expect me to go with the flow. To lean on you. To accept the change. You call me not to rely on my own strength. To believe that I am more than a conqueror through Him who first loved me? I don’t know if I can do that. I don’t know if I will make it. I’m not sure I have as much confidence in myself as you do. Everything is going wrong. My life is turning upside down. I’m angry. I’m broken. I’m confused. Yet, you say you will carry me through this. Yet, you say I don’t have to be weary. You tell me to not let go. You ask that I trust you and walk in faith. But is my faith big enough? Are you enough? Because I thought all of the things around me were enough. Now, those same things are deserting me. They’re changing. Unlike you. You never change. You never leave. You never forsake me. You don’t stop loving me. You never give up on me. You don’t reject me. You don’t say hurtful things to me. You don’t let me down. You want me to hold on. You want to love me. You want me to believe from the bottom of my heart that you are enough. You are on my side. You hold me when no one else will. You comfort me when no one else can. You give me the peace I can’t get anywhere else. You encourage me. You free my soul. You have saved me. You believe in me. You love me. You will never stop loving me. You are enough. You are all that I have. All that I have is enough. I can live with that. As long as you can live with me. I have no joy a part from you.

You are always enough,
Liberty Stripped of her Pride

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A Blessing in Disguise

I’m struggling to even find words to describe events that have taken place in the last few weeks. God continues to overwhelm me with his grace everyday. Most days I stand in awe, speechless of the love He shows me. Let me explain. I’ll try to make it short, I promise. So God put a burden on my heart to start a group for girls to be real with each other. A place where girl’s who were not Christians, could come and hear sound advice from other girls living their lives by faith. I desired for girls to see that we don’t need gossip, cliques, makeup or even boys to define us. We are worth so much more than that. We know our worth thanks to Jesus and we don’t have to allow anyone else to tell us who we are. We need Sisterhood. So we have had two meetings so far and they have both been amazing. At the last one we watched the movie Courageous. If you have not seen it, please do, it may just change your life. The meeting was chocolate themed because girls and chocolate go perfect together, duhhh! I invited a ton of girls, some of which I had not spoken with in months. A friend of mine that I had a class with over a year ago got my text and expressed that Sisterhood was exactly what she needed right now. So she came. She heard a part of the Gospel. Through this, she began to question her Catholic faith and desired to know more about Christianity. We have hung out a few times since then and its been wonderful. I love sharing my faith with her. I love being able to be honest and real about what God has done and what He’s doing now. It’s such a blessing that God places people in my life and uses me to minister to them. I would have never thought in a million years, I would be sharing the Gospel with non-believers. So with that being said, stay tuned, cause God is at work! I’ll write more soon.

Very Truly Yours,

Liberty Stripped of Her Pride

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