Posts Tagged ‘Death’

Some think that happiness has lots to do with money. Still others think it has to do with their significant other wrapped around their finger. For me, happiness is deciding I am going to be happy anyway. A good friend recently told me that the only person who keeps me from being happy, is myself. I didn’t exactly want to hear that at the time but they were words I will never forget. I think about happiness a lot because of my depressive episodes. When I have one of my bad days, sometimes I will sit and think about what it felt like to be happy before. I’ll think about whether I could become happy if I was given something, went somewhere else or was with someone I wanted to be with. But in the end, each of those things I know, have the ability to leave me desperate for something else -something more. In a world where we have TV, magazines, books and people telling you to eat chocolate, drink wine or go after that man you have been waiting for; we forget that those things don’t bring us very much happiness for long. We look around and see the objects that make others happy and we wonder why we can’t feel that way too.

As I prepare to move with my family nine hours away at the end of the summer; I can’t help, but be far from happy. I’m loosing my friends, my church, my job, everything that I have known for four years now. I ask myself, how could I be happy? I mean seriously, I’m about to be stripped of the very things I love. Tell me how to find joy in that and I would appreciate it. Why should I be happy, after all things aren’t going my way right now. Sometimes I feel like telling people to get back to me with that happiness crap, when they’re going through the same thing I am. Then just as my moment of despair gets close to breaking me. I remember the person who chose to be happy for me. I think about how he lived for 33 years. He knew he would die, it was the whole reason why he was born. Yet, for 33 years he didn’t act like he was going to die. He chose happiness. Because he knew there is something so much more than this life. He didn’t walk around with the illness that afflicted him. That illness was my sin. So why should I live as if I carry it now, when he’s already done it for me.

So, what is happiness for me, you might ask? Its choosing to fight even when I feel like I have nothing left. Its choosing to love when I don’t feel loved back. Its choosing to smile when the pain tries to stop me. Its choosing to live as if I knew I would died tomorrow and die, as if I’d live forever. Its choosing Christ’s way, rather than my own way.

He’s Always Enough,

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So about 3 weeks ago, I was at work. Minding my own business. Well, somewhat. We were outside attempting to entertain the little ones (middle school students) for a few short minutes before the program was over for the day. Leading a type of hand game, I suddenly heard various individuals around me yell, “Watch out!” Without the slightest knowledge of what was to come next, I was hit from behind with a football. I wasn’t knocked down, it simply made me stumble. Other than that it didn’t really affect me all that much. I couldn’t tell you much about what happened after I was hit. I remember two students talking to me about it while I responded, but I have no idea what they were saying or what I said back. We soon after went inside and that was when it began. I felt nauseous, dizzy and a horrible headache made its way to the back of my head. I ignored the pain but wondered if I could have suffered a concussion. I’m one of those people who searches my symptoms on webmd as soon as they appear and that’s exactly what I did. Despite my ill symptoms I drove home moments later hoping that I would feel better. However, I was wrong, the pain only got worse. That night it was so bad I couldn’t lift my head up. The next two days it was difficult to walk. I stayed in bed all weekend and went MIA to the world. By Monday I was feeling a little better. I was able to go to class but took the day off from work. The next day I returned to my usual schedule being busy as any ordinary day. I would take Aleve and simply ignore the pain. Life is too busy to get caught up in such a thing, at least that is how I felt about. I finally went to see a doctor almost a week later. The doctor told me what webmd already had, it was in fact, a concussion that I suffered and I should feel better in a week or so.

Now, this is the way I saw it. Life is busy for me right now. Between class, homework assignments, work, friends, church and the prospects of moving at the end of the summer. I am one busy woman. I enjoy being busy, there is nothing I hate more than sitting at home doing nothing. The less time I have to think about stuff like myself the better. Or so I thought.. This kind of thinking can backfire on you. You see, I think too little of myself, that’s why I ignored the pain and moved on. I didn’t want to see a doctor and if my pain would not have been so bad, I would have never went to one anyway. But time and time again, the Lord uses these times to sit me down and teach me very important lessons. I realized that I needed my life to slow down a little. That I am spending a tremendous amount of time on things that will whither away. I came to the realization that my life really is a vapor and that everyday I live because of the Lord. I learned all of this mostly because of the of fact that you can die from a concussion. Now, obviously, I was not hit very hard with the football. But it was still the worse injury I have ever been inflicted with. With this being said, I am recovering well. I feel almost myself again and am so ready to take on life headfirst. No more catching footballs with my head though. I am dying to go to Africa and hold some orphaned babies. To watch God work in my family. To see my best friend pursue her dream of writing. To see another best friend pursue teaching english as a second language. To meet the man of my dreams. To grow more into a Lady of Faith. More to come soon.

He’s Always Enough,
Liberty Stripped of her Pride

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